I still don't understand!!

Today was the day I had been dreading for the last 2 months.  It was demolition day.   About 9:30 this morning, I got a text from John saying that the demo team would be at the house in a few minutes.  I quickly got dressed and went.  I don't really know why...but I had a compulsion to be there.  It was still our house and in some way I felt like I needed to be there.   Maybe a far part of my mind thought there was some chance things would change, and that I would wake up one day and this all would have been a dream. 

I stood and watched as they knocked down the reamaining walls and them dumped what was left of our home in dumpster to be hauled off.  All that we had worked for now stood in piles waiting to be hauled to the dump.  Very clearly do I remember the first time we stepped into that house.  Just the day before, we had passed by the house and noticed the For Sale sign, but commented that it was probably out of our price range.  We had spent all day with the realtor, seeing several houses that left us pretty discouraged as to what we could afford.  Then she said, "I have one last one for you to see."  We pulled up and I remember thinking that this was the house we passed and noticed.  When we walked into the house, we instantly fell in love.  It needed some work, but I could see us there with Eliza and the baby I was pregnant with.  The Lord provided in a great way, and we signed for the house just a couple weeks later.   It was the first place we owned.  It was ours!

As I watched today, tears fell down my cheeks.  I cried and I talked with the Lord.  It has been 2 months since the fire and I am no closer to understanding why this happened.  The Lord hasn't given me any answers.  I still cry.  I still hurt.  I still ask why.  I still don't understand.....I DON'T! I DON'T! I DON'T!  But that does not change this fact, God is good.....no matter what!  My lack of understanding does NOT change the character of God and He is always good and always faithful. 

                              We told the kids they were cleaning up the yard.

                                    The trucks lining up to haul off debris.

 The steps to the front door where I always took the kids pictures.

                           The drive way leading to where the garage was.

Lord, I still don't understand any of this, but I will trust you!  I am weak, humbled and broken.  Help me to trust you through the storm...I can't do this alone.