Saturday, June 11, 2011

Maybe I am not cut out to be a missionary

It's almost 1am and I can't mind is racing and tears are flowing. We had a great evening together as a family. I was excited because we stopped by TJ Maxx and I found several cute matching dresses for the girls for Togo. All the women and girls in Togo wear dresses and as stores start to mark down their summer clothes we are trying to buy things for Togo to last the kids a couple years. John found Aiden some nice shorts and shirts too. We also stopped by Lowe's to look for a few items we need to spruce up the house before we put it on the market. I was excited as the reality that we really are going back sets in...and now that is what I can't get off my mind.

Everyone is asleep, but I have been lying in bed thinking about having a yard sale to sell all of our belongings and selling our house. I am so sentimental- to a fault sometimes. I think sentimentality is a terrible trait for a missionary to have!! As I started thinking about selling the kids' stuff I became so sad. I guess it is the memories attached to those things. I picture the girls playing with their baby dolls and pushing their strollers around. I think of all the sweet times reading books to them. I think of Aiden playing with his little cars and the thought of selling those things seems so hard. As I think about selling the house, our home, I cry. This was the first home we owned. We spent countless hours placing each piece of hardwood flooring, the same floors that all three kids learned to walk on. I have walked these floors many nights craddling each child. The kids' pitter-patter as they run around the house warms my heart. We brought 2 babies home to this house. We poured ourselves into making this house a home. It is nothing grand, but it is our home.

As I laid in bed, thinking how difficult it will be to leave these things behind, the Lord brought these verses to mind. "Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal." Matthew 6:19-20 The Lord calls us to leave things behind in order to make an eternal difference!

I was also struck by the thought of Christ leaving His home in Heaven, for me. While I struggle over leaving something as simple as the floors in our home, I remember that He left streets of gold!

So now I pray that as we prepare to leave for Togo, that the Lord will help me keep an eternal focus rather than focusing on temporal things! I know I will cry. The kids may even cry as their things are sold, but I know the Lord will help us through this transition and use this time to prepare us to be used in a even greater way for Him! Yes, I am sentimental...that is my weakness. But 2 Corinthians reminded me, "And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

So if it takes a few sacrifices and shed tears for the Lord's strength to be made perfect in my weakness and that the power of Christ may rest upon me, then bring on the yard sales!


  1. Tab, we are all praying for you and love you!

  2. I find your blog through a friend of a friend but wanted to tell you that nothing you ever give up for God goes un-noticed by Him. You WILL be blessed with far more than you ever give up for His sake.

    This brought tears to my eyes as I read it. God bless you for what you are doing!! How I envy you!!

    Matthew 19:29 says "And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life."

    Amen and may God bless you as you go!!! I know He will!!

    Melanie Keffer
    Olive Branch, MS

  3. P. S. Just realized we have friends serving in Benin, West Africa!! How far are you from there? Are you affliated with a church denomination? Our friends are long time missionaries serving in the country of Benin for many years now and recently went back after their furlough. They build churches, run a center for widows and a rescue center for young women that have been caught in human trafficking, orphaned, etc. They are Assemblies of God missionaries but there are many other denominations serving in that part of the country!! How exciting!! You can email me at Would love to hear more about your work!! Do you know anyone else who will be working in your area?

  4. Here is a direct link for those who want to donate...they need all the help they can get!

  5. I just came over from Kelly's Korner's blog. I am so, so sorry that you have had to "let go" in this way. I too am sentimental and in a recent move not everything fit in the moving van and some had to be just left behind and I still think about and grieve over those things even though I know they are just things. I know you have had to let go of so much more and I am sorry. Kelly

  6. Hey Tabitha,
    Just saw your blog for the first time. I really loved this post, cause we all say it. "maybe I'm not cut out to be a missionary". It's because we have this cookie cutter view of what missionaries look like. I've met all kinds of missionaries in my 4 years in Cambodia. Some missionaries bring 4 suitcases full of toys for their kids! Some missionaries bring enough granola bars to last one a day for a year. Me and Mark brought back a suitcase full of slimfast for me! I talked to a couple today that just paid for extra luggage until they could bring all they wanted. She said she new a family that brought a refrigerator from the States to Cameroon. lol!
    Being a missionary isn't about not wanting stuff. Being a missionary is just loving God while you live far away from your family. You can do it! Anyone can!
    When Satan tells you that you're not good enough or strong enough... just laugh and tell him that God never asked you to be good enough or strong enough. He just said trust me.


My family

My family