Don't look at me!!!

It has been a few days since I have written....I was torn. People have said, "Tabitha you are this or that" or have made other comments on my posts. I told John, maybe I should just journal and not blog. I don't like attention. I don't like to be center stage....or anywhere on stage! When people hear our story or read my blog, I don't want them to see me. I want them to see my Jesus!

Have you ever known a hypocritical Christian? How about someone who claimed to be Christian but lived a life contrary to how a believer should live...maybe it was a pastor or church leader. Maybe you have been hurt by a Christian...lied to by someone who named the name of Christ. Maybe you have shunned a life of faith because someone let you down. Can I tell you that I will let you down. I will fail you. I will disappoint you. But don't judge my Jesus by me. I will fail miserably!

Look at the CROSS! Look at how loving and merciful HE is. Look at that baby in a manger who left everything for you! He will never let you down. He will never fail you. Never hurt you. He will never disappoint you.

Our trials this last week have been heavy...and many. I am not a woman of great faith. I am simply a woman with a great God. Please don't look at us....look at our GREAT GOD!

Overwhelmed......but not consumed!

It's barely past 6am and before I even got out of bed....the tears came. I keep wondering, "Will today be the day that I cry no more?". Today is not to be that day. I know that GOD sees my heart. He knows that I am weak. He knows I have questions. He knows I don't understand. He knows I am humbled. He knows I am absolutely broken. He knows I hurt. He knows I am overwhelmed. But He has promised not to let me be consumed! My home was consumed....but I will NOT be!

"This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning. Great is Thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in HIM." Lam 3:21-24

I don't know who may read this, but if you do, would you please pray even now that I may rest in the Lord's mercies. I am so weak, broken, right now. My heart is heavy and the tears are over flowing. I am overwhelmed, but I will NOT be consumed.

Why did God watch our home burn?

Yesterday was hard. It started with the fire inspector and insurance adjuster assessing the scene. Then, we spent the rest of the day at the house digging through the remains...trying to find anything we could to salvage. Two precious men from our church stayed until past dark helping us.

It was humbling. The front door is open, the roof is gone.

The windows are all shattered. It seems so vulnerable. The place that gave me such security and warmth is no longer. It is open for all to see. The place that holds so many memories is gone.

As we dug through the rubble, I shed some tears and had some laughs. I found my container that held all the children's keepsakes. It was melted; the pictures and contents disintegrated. But there was a small area, where the kids baby blankets were, that I think I can salvage a small square piece of blanket for each child. They were stained with soot and reeked of smoke. But I was thrilled...it was something. John dug with his bare hands and found the girls' baby rings. And one of the church men found Aiden's dedication Bible!!! I found the hairbow that both girls wore at their 1st birthdays.

And I found a picture of all three kids in their dedication outfits. The dedication outfits are gone, but the Lord gave me the pictures! What a great God.

So many people say, "I don't know why the Lord let this happen to you." And I don't have the answers. At times, I ask the Lord the same question. I realize that the God in Heaven knew and watched from above as that heat lamp began to smolder. He watched as the kitchen began to burn.

I realize that at any moment He could have stopped the entire event from happening....but He didn't. He watched as John, Jeana, and the babies lie sleeping as the house burned. He allowed all my precious keepsakes and momentos to be taken from me. He saw my great-great grandmothers hutch go up in flames. He watched John's grandmother's china shatter as is fell when the ceiling collapsed under the flames. He allowed my childrens' artwork to be destroyed. He saw my beautiful wedding dress and our wedding portraits burn.

Why? I don't know. But I know that what I lost can never compare to what HE gave for us when He gave His Son to come to this world to die. Why did we lose our home? I don't know. Why did He give His Son? I DO know! He gave His Son for you and for me so that we could have an eternal home in Heaven with HIM.

I lost my earthly home to fire, but nothing can harm my eternal home in Heaven. Do you have that assurance? Do you know that you have a home in Heaven? What a wonderful time, at Christmas, to open your heart to Him!

So I ask, why did God sit back and watch our home burn? Why did this happen to us? Maybe it had nothing at all to do with us but with YOU. Maybe God knew it would take this for you to look at Him and see His love and mercy. Yesterday, I realized something; that if the Lord allowed this to happen so that just one person would come to Him, then that's okay with me. Standing in front of the remains of my home, I told the Lord that if this is the way He can use us, then let it be. I can honestly say, that if someone would open their heart to the LORD, then I would stand there on the road and watch it all burn again. My memories, my belongings...everything. I would give them up for just one soul.

SO are you the reason God watched my home burn? If you are, please don't let this all be in vain. Give your heart to the LORD!

To God be the Glory!

Nearly 48 hours ago, the Lord saw fit to take every material possession away from my family. I just read my last blog entry and am overwhelmed by the irony of it all. In His great plan, the Lord took care of all the things I worried with. There are no more floors on which to hear the pitter patter little feet. There are no more strollers to push and baby dolls to tuck in. No more cars and trucks and push around the house. No more legos to stack or footballs to be thrown. No more hairbows to wear or cowboy boys to wear. No more clothes to wash, socks to fold, or dishes to put away. No more windows to wash or bathrooms to clean. No more furniture to dust. No more pictures, no more "take home from the hospital outfits". No more baby blankets or dedication outfits. No more baby pictures or videos of first baths, first steps or first words. But nevertheless, we have more than we deserve. God is so good and we want to thank Him for His goodness.

I was at work in the ICU when I received a phone call. I answered the phone and did not recognize the name on the caller ID. The unfamiliar voice said, "You need to come home." "Excuse me?", I replied. Again, "you need to come home right now!" I still didn't understand, "Who is this? What is going on?". He replied, "This is your husband and our home is on fire." I heard something in his voice that made me realize it was my husband, John, on the phone. I was frantic, "The babies? Where are the babies?" He assured me they were outside with him and his sister who was visiting for Christmas. I was breathless, "Is the house gone?". "Almost", he was so strong. As I hung up the phone, I looked at my co-workers and said, "I have to go. My house is on fire." Even as I spoke the words, I didn't believe what was happening. A friend at work drove me home and a few blocks away we saw the flames and the smoke. As we turned into our neighborhood I saw the most horrific sight- our home, engulfed in flames surrounded by a dozen fire engines and countless amazing fire fighters.
I jumped out of the car and ran down the street screaming and asking anyone I could, "My babies?? My family? Please, where are they??" No one could answer. I kept running til I saw my sweet husband, my hero, standing on the side of the road barefoot and cold, watching our home burn. I collapsed at his feet. "The kids?" I was still hysterical. He pointed to a white vehicle and I ran. Inside I saw the most amazing site, my three beautiful babies, barefoot and in their pajamas sweetly waiting with their Aunt Jeana. "MOMMY!!!!", the sweetest sound I have ever heard. I grabbed all three of them. The warmth of their skin and smell of their hair at that moment was almost more than I could handle. They were okay. The Lord brought all 5 of them out of the house and protected them.
There was nothing the fire fighters could do other than try to control the fire. It was beyond saving. So we stood there and watched, as everything we owned burned. But even in that moment of realizing that the Lord had just taken everything away, I knew that He had again given me my family.
Right now, as they sleep nearby, and I listen to their soft rhythmic breathing, I realize that I could be sitting here alone. I realize that I could never again have heard Eliza say "You're my favorite mommy, Mommy." Or heard Olivia say, "Mommy, can you hold me?". Never again see Aiden's beautiful smile or touch his soft blonde curls. Or never again hold my sweet husband's hand or nestle into his neck and smell his cologne. The Lord, in His great mercy, saw fit to give me my family. I don't deserve them. But God is so good. Everything is gone, but I have too much to be unthankful.
Our prayer through all of this is that the LORD would be magnified. He has given us far more than we deserve. He has not only saved us from Hell, but given us an eternal home in Heaven....a home that will never burn! We don't understand. I have questions. Was I took materialistic? Did I worry to much about physical things? Were hair bows and clothes too important? God may never give me the answers, but we chose to trust Him! He has a plan. He has a purpose.
"Wherefore glorify ye the LORD in the fires, even the name of the LORD God"
Isaiah 24:15