It creeps up slowly, hardly noticeable at first.
It begins as a second thought, then it grows into doubt, worry, anxiety. Then it hits you full force, right in the face. FEAR.
Fear. It is something I struggle with. Somedays more than others, but it seems to always be there, just under the surface, waiting to rear its ugly head at the first possible chance. It attacks at random, unsuspected moments. It comes in your dreams. It robs you of spiritual victory. It hides itself and then shows up at your most vunerable times.
And so it happened to me again.
While John and I were rejoicing about finally getting our tickets for Togo (we were so thankful for the great price the Lord provided) I went to bed that night and it began.
I laid there for what seemed like hours talking with God.
Asking Him again, "Are you sure we are the family you want to send to Togo? Don't forgot God, that IS in Africa. Far away Africa.....hot Africa......Africa without WalMart....Africa with huts and Typhoid......Africa with malaria and mambas......Africa. Really God? Are you sure you weren't talking to someone else? Maybe we didn't have a good connection. John's not a preacher. I'm just a mommy. We are no one special. Don't forget God, we do have 3 kids. You really want us to pack them up and take them all the way to Africa? What if they get sick? What if a snake gets in the house? What if Aiden picks up a scorpion and sticks it in his pocket? What if they get some weird parasite? Really God......are you sure you want US, the Groenevelds, to go to Africa? Are you sure you have the right people? I am scared. I don't think I can do this."
And then, in the quiet stillness of the night,
He whispers to me, "I am there".
There...... with me as tears fall down my cheeks onto the pillow as fear plagues me.
There...... as my mind wanders, again asking God, "Are you sure?"
There....as my heart races with fear for my children.
There....as fears threaten to take my breath away.
There. He is there. He will be with us in Africa.....with the parasites.....with the mambas....with my sweet children. There is no better place for them than in the center of His will for our family....even if that means in Africa. So as fear plagues my heart, I remind myself of these promises:
Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee: yea, I will help thee; yea I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Is 41:10
For the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not: I will help thee. Is 41:13
Did you catch that?? God said He will hold my hand!
So as we venture further into the fearful, what better assurance do I need to calm my fears than knowing that God,
the God of all the universe,
the God who placed each star in the sky,
the God who watched over sweet baby Moses,
the God of Abraham & Isaac,
the God who was with Daniel in the lions den,
the God who took on human flesh,
the God that knew me before I was formed,
the God that knows the number of hairs on Eliza, Olivia, and Aiden's head,
the God that promised to go with me
....will be holding my hand!!